Thursday, October 28, 2004
family
It's odd that, as excited as I am to see my mother (who is in town for a brief visit), I don't really want to see her.
It's not like she doesn't know what's going on in my life—we talk about once a week. But she comes into town and wants to know, "What's new?" Well, Mom, nothing since I talked to you last Thursday.
I don't understand myself. My mom and I are close. We really are. But I think I am at a place where I am preparing to do something with my life that she doesn't really get. She always thought I should go back and get a Ph.D. in religion or theology or religious anthropology...and that's maddening, because I decided a while ago that I didn't want that for myself.
And now I'm going to law school. When I told her, I thought she'd be excited that I was going back to school, getting a graduate degree. I thought she'd be proud of me. But her reaction was...muted. She didn't understand. Why law? Do you really want to be a lawyer? Don't you want to teach??
And I do want to teach. But I don't want to teach religion to undergrads, and I don't want to be a poor academic and I don't want to be in that field. I'd love it if I could take some classes in law school that relate to my religion degree—a Church and State course, for instance, or even courses in another degree program that might transfer over or count as electives.
I know that my mother is, to a certain extent, living semi-vicariously through me. She didn't get her BA until she was in her mid-to-late thirties; she got a Master's a few years later. But for so much of her life, she was an uneducated wife, the pretty arm candy and domestic goddess who felt that because she didn't have that degree, her opinions didn't deserve to be heard. So she's always encouraged me to do what I want to, to get my education, to be a strong, independent woman. But her idea of what I should do to be that strong, independent woman is different from my idea.
For a long time, my mom thought I should be a priest (women priests are allowed in my church). In her mind, I'd be doing everything perfectly—using my religion degree, being a trailblazer (women priests are still sort-of unusual). But I knew by age 19 that I didn't want that for myself.
I can see that she tries to form that future in her mind—the future where I'll be the professor, or the writer, or the public speaker. And sometimes I feel like I'm trying to live up to that—get into the best school possible so I can become a well-known professor, or writer, or public speaker. But then sometimes I think I'd rather just have a job, a good job, a job where I can distinguish myself, without needing all that extra recognition.
Sometimes I worry that I'm still trying to please my mom.
It's not like she doesn't know what's going on in my life—we talk about once a week. But she comes into town and wants to know, "What's new?" Well, Mom, nothing since I talked to you last Thursday.
I don't understand myself. My mom and I are close. We really are. But I think I am at a place where I am preparing to do something with my life that she doesn't really get. She always thought I should go back and get a Ph.D. in religion or theology or religious anthropology...and that's maddening, because I decided a while ago that I didn't want that for myself.
And now I'm going to law school. When I told her, I thought she'd be excited that I was going back to school, getting a graduate degree. I thought she'd be proud of me. But her reaction was...muted. She didn't understand. Why law? Do you really want to be a lawyer? Don't you want to teach??
And I do want to teach. But I don't want to teach religion to undergrads, and I don't want to be a poor academic and I don't want to be in that field. I'd love it if I could take some classes in law school that relate to my religion degree—a Church and State course, for instance, or even courses in another degree program that might transfer over or count as electives.
I know that my mother is, to a certain extent, living semi-vicariously through me. She didn't get her BA until she was in her mid-to-late thirties; she got a Master's a few years later. But for so much of her life, she was an uneducated wife, the pretty arm candy and domestic goddess who felt that because she didn't have that degree, her opinions didn't deserve to be heard. So she's always encouraged me to do what I want to, to get my education, to be a strong, independent woman. But her idea of what I should do to be that strong, independent woman is different from my idea.
For a long time, my mom thought I should be a priest (women priests are allowed in my church). In her mind, I'd be doing everything perfectly—using my religion degree, being a trailblazer (women priests are still sort-of unusual). But I knew by age 19 that I didn't want that for myself.
I can see that she tries to form that future in her mind—the future where I'll be the professor, or the writer, or the public speaker. And sometimes I feel like I'm trying to live up to that—get into the best school possible so I can become a well-known professor, or writer, or public speaker. But then sometimes I think I'd rather just have a job, a good job, a job where I can distinguish myself, without needing all that extra recognition.
Sometimes I worry that I'm still trying to please my mom.
