Thursday, September 02, 2004
anomie?
Lately I've been feeling sort of lost. I know I still want to go try this law school thing, but now that the bloom is off the rose, I'm not sure why. At work I've been working on a project and training my new coworker at the same time, and that's sort of taken my mind off the unbearably dull nature of the other 90% of projects I am assigned. So work isn't awful anymore—or right now—and that's also adding to my feeling sort of lost.
I'm not exactly happy right now, but I'm not unhappy. I just feel sort of lost, in limbo. I'm trying to figure out where I was a few months ago when the very concept of going to law school completely energized me.
I'm not expecting that an idea that is no longer new should thrill me in the same way it once did; but I'd like it if something would send a chill down my spine. I feel numb. I imagine this is what it must feel like to be on Prozac, except I'm not happy enough to feel as if I'm on Prozac.
I look around at my life and realize that I have it pretty good. I have a stable job that isn't awful, I work with people I genuinely like, even if we're not necessarily friends, I have a wonderful husband who also has a pretty stable job. We own a home. We have disposable income—enough to do some travelling over the next several months. I have a family that loves me and supports me, I honestly like my inlaws. My friends are great, even if some of them sometimes don't understand where I'm coming from.
So why am I itching for change? There's nothing wrong with my life—my life is good. Is it that it's not "good enough"? And what does it mean for my life to be "good enough"? I don't want to be one of those people who constantly jumps fences for greener grass, discovering time and again that the grass is no better over there.
I am happy with my life as it is. And if I knew it would never be better than this, I'd happily settle down. But I've known greater joy. I've known what it is to fall instantly into deep sleep at night because my day has been enormously satisfying. And I crave that experience again.
I don't know that law school will guarantee that joy, that satsifaction. But it has at least as good a chance as any other endeavor. I just have to rediscover why it's the endeavor I chose.
I'm not exactly happy right now, but I'm not unhappy. I just feel sort of lost, in limbo. I'm trying to figure out where I was a few months ago when the very concept of going to law school completely energized me.
I'm not expecting that an idea that is no longer new should thrill me in the same way it once did; but I'd like it if something would send a chill down my spine. I feel numb. I imagine this is what it must feel like to be on Prozac, except I'm not happy enough to feel as if I'm on Prozac.
I look around at my life and realize that I have it pretty good. I have a stable job that isn't awful, I work with people I genuinely like, even if we're not necessarily friends, I have a wonderful husband who also has a pretty stable job. We own a home. We have disposable income—enough to do some travelling over the next several months. I have a family that loves me and supports me, I honestly like my inlaws. My friends are great, even if some of them sometimes don't understand where I'm coming from.
So why am I itching for change? There's nothing wrong with my life—my life is good. Is it that it's not "good enough"? And what does it mean for my life to be "good enough"? I don't want to be one of those people who constantly jumps fences for greener grass, discovering time and again that the grass is no better over there.
I am happy with my life as it is. And if I knew it would never be better than this, I'd happily settle down. But I've known greater joy. I've known what it is to fall instantly into deep sleep at night because my day has been enormously satisfying. And I crave that experience again.
I don't know that law school will guarantee that joy, that satsifaction. But it has at least as good a chance as any other endeavor. I just have to rediscover why it's the endeavor I chose.
