Friday, February 13, 2004
Crazy
Have you heard the Patsy Cline song Crazy?
I set my iTunes to randomly select music and up it came. I love this song. It's the song I sing when I am forced to perform Kareoke. It's such a poignant, lovely, melodic piece of music.
But this morning, the first few lines struck a different chord in me. "Crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely....I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue." See, that's how I am feeling lately. I feel lonely, sort of; I feel blue. And it makes no sense.
I was married 3 weeks ago—200 of my closest family and friends joined together to celebrate me and my new husband. They came because they love us. Relatives from thousands of miles away traveled in the middle of the winter because of me.
So why do I feel sort of disconnected? I have this sense that I don't belong anywhere. I belong with my husband, sure, but we can't be a little island in the middle of the tossing waves.
And I am changing jobs. You'd think that my leaving would afford an opportunity for me to feel appreciated where I currently am—with going away parties, and congratulations and such. But no one seems to have bothered to spread the word. I've told three or four people personally but they don't seem to think it matters enough to gossip about.
I know, I know, this is a silly thing to be sort of upset about. But one of my coworkers had a baby a couple of months ago and the entire department pitched in to get her lovely baby gifts, and throw a beautiful shower for her. I didn't get a party for getting married. I am beginning to doubt that I am going to get any sort of celebration for my going-away—even though every other person who's ever left the department has gotten a party. So I feel that even in my work, which I thought I did well, whether or not I liked it, I am an outsider.
No, I am not overly social with the people in my department—it's hard to be when there are such large differences in age, background, and interests. But I am always friendly and nice to everyone. We don't have happy hours, but most everyone else has kids, so that's only logical.
I guess it's just disappointing to feel as if my years here are going unnoticed; as if no one cares that I am leaving. I feel lonely. I am ready to get a new start in a new place where other young people will work with me. Even if I will have to share an office.
I set my iTunes to randomly select music and up it came. I love this song. It's the song I sing when I am forced to perform Kareoke. It's such a poignant, lovely, melodic piece of music.
But this morning, the first few lines struck a different chord in me. "Crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely....I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue." See, that's how I am feeling lately. I feel lonely, sort of; I feel blue. And it makes no sense.
I was married 3 weeks ago—200 of my closest family and friends joined together to celebrate me and my new husband. They came because they love us. Relatives from thousands of miles away traveled in the middle of the winter because of me.
So why do I feel sort of disconnected? I have this sense that I don't belong anywhere. I belong with my husband, sure, but we can't be a little island in the middle of the tossing waves.
And I am changing jobs. You'd think that my leaving would afford an opportunity for me to feel appreciated where I currently am—with going away parties, and congratulations and such. But no one seems to have bothered to spread the word. I've told three or four people personally but they don't seem to think it matters enough to gossip about.
I know, I know, this is a silly thing to be sort of upset about. But one of my coworkers had a baby a couple of months ago and the entire department pitched in to get her lovely baby gifts, and throw a beautiful shower for her. I didn't get a party for getting married. I am beginning to doubt that I am going to get any sort of celebration for my going-away—even though every other person who's ever left the department has gotten a party. So I feel that even in my work, which I thought I did well, whether or not I liked it, I am an outsider.
No, I am not overly social with the people in my department—it's hard to be when there are such large differences in age, background, and interests. But I am always friendly and nice to everyone. We don't have happy hours, but most everyone else has kids, so that's only logical.
I guess it's just disappointing to feel as if my years here are going unnoticed; as if no one cares that I am leaving. I feel lonely. I am ready to get a new start in a new place where other young people will work with me. Even if I will have to share an office.
